Thank you sir! May I have another?

NEW KENSINGTON: Don't do it out of anger. Don't swing too hard and always hug your child when you're done — when you're done spanking him or her using a wooden paddle signed, "Love Joey."
New Kensington resident Joey Salvati, 39, a father of two, was in the shower about a month ago when he first heard God speak to him about the matter. Whether it was an external or internal voice, he wasn't sure. He tried to ignore it, but it kept coming back, day after day, until he realized he had to do something about it. The message was for Salvati to make wooden paddles for corporal punishment and give them to parents who need help disciplining their children.

Continues...The Paddle Maker

So...Pal Joey hears the voice of God in the shower. I'm not sure which is the most disturbing element to this story - Joey hearing God, Joey hearing God in the shower, or God telling Joey...no COMMANDING Joey to make wooden paddles for use upon the rebellious arses of the unruly young.

I guess I'll start with Mr Salvati's fellowship with the lord. Why is it that when a guy in an empty room cries out "Will you stop touching me?!" or when a guy claims his dog told him to murder the young couple parked on Lover's Lane, we call him Looney Toons, batshit crazy - but when a loser like Mean Joe hears the disembodied voice of Good Old God (GOG) it is viewed as some sort of divine happening? Joey hears the voice of God in the shower. Miraculous, right? WRONG! Joey is crazy. Let's get that right up on the table and out of the way. JOEY. IS. CRAZY.

Next, I guess I'll go right to the paddling. I enjoy the fact that whenever anyone wants to commit violence, especially towards women and/or children, they find some sort of heavenly justification for it. What a wonderful way to be taken off the hook for one's actions...

"Why Daddy, why? Why are you hurting me?"
"It's not me, son...it is what the lord your God commands. It is his will."

So Joey gets to do the paddling and GOG gets the accolades. That's a nice system. I can't shake the feeling that by the time Pal Joey is through God will follow this up with one of the following:

A) God will tell Joey to change his name to Alderon Mysterio and start the Church of Truth with himself as High Prophet complete with a dozen wives.
B) God will reveal to Joey the exact year, date and time of the Armageddon (with revisions as each predicted date passes without incident).
C) God will tell Joey to buy a 1987 International rig and cruise rest stops along I-40 murdering prostitutes and dumping them in isolated fields and lake sides.

Mostly, though, I gotta give Joey credit for being so secure in his violence against children that he has the balls to market these paddles, if only for the price of shipping. He won't make any money on this batch, but I guess its worth it considering the brand recognition that will surely result...

"You've tried belts, leather gloves and green-stick switches, but nothing seems to work. Now there's Joey's Paddles! Joey's Paddles are ergonomically designed to fit in your hand for maximum swatting leverage. The patented FlowThru (tm) holes allow for maximum passage of air, letting your paddle fly true and slice through the air on its way to the target. No more errant blows with Joey's Paddles! Don't delay! Operators are standing by!"

Brilliant...absolutely brilliant. Joey will take a bath on this first batch, but I bet when Joey 2.0 comes out next year, my boy will positively clean up!

Hey, I've got an idea. I don't know if Joey will like it, but I'm sure he will appreciate the delicious irony. Perhaps someday I can meet Joey and find out if HE has ever been unruly or poorly behaved. Then I will give him a few blows - no less than one, no more than five with a nice set of "Love, FlatEarth" brass knuckles. They have hearts on them, so he will know his beating is being administered with love, and only for his own good.